First things first. You’re clearly asking yourself what the hell is ‘Head to Desk Syndrome’? Well you’re not going to find it on WebMD, but it’s pretty self explanatory. It’s when someone at work annoys you so much that you want to slam your head….onto your desk. I recommend not actually doing so, but I’ll leave that decision to you. Here are some of those ‘wonderful’ office personalities that might cause you to catch a bout of ‘Head to Desk Syndrome’. They are not in any particular order.
8. Obnoxiously Loud Phone Talker

So you’re finally able to take that long awaited break during the work day. It’s lunch time…sit back, relax and enjoy your delicious meal while forgetting about the stress of your job. Then all of a sudden you hear, “OH MY GOD!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY BROKE UP! THEY DID NOT! THEY DID? I DON’T BELIEVE IT! DO YOU BELIEVE IT? WOW! DOUBLEYOU OH DOUBLEYOU WOWW!!” It’s that coworker that just can’t seem to keep their personal life personal. Thanks to the invention of cellphones, people like this are free to annoy you almost anywhere. Why can’t they just step outside for a minute? Why can’t I just take a minute to enjoy my break? WHY?? If you aren’t going to confront this person, I suggest a nice pair of noise-canceling headphones.

7. “I Love My Speakers Way More Than Headphones” Guy

While you might now be enjoying your newly purchased noise-canceling headphones, there is a person within your office that has a phobia of headphones. They also have an affinity to the worst music ever produced. This person is listening to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” and no, they haven’t been Rickrolled. Sometimes these people even attract other employees to their desk. It’s like the other people know how bad this music is, but they just want an excuse to get out of their cubicles and rock out to the desktop speaker music party. I refuse to participate in such events. The positive? Sometimes it can be fun to watch these ‘rockers’ boogie(embarrass themselves) around the office.

6. Everyday is Friday Guy

Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a positive attitude at work. In fact, I highly encourage it. No matter how much crap you might have to put up with on a daily basis, keep a smile on that face and you’ll feel better. What I can’t stand is that overly chipper coworker. No matter what time or day of the week it is, this person acts as if Publisher’s Clearing House just delivered a $1,000,000 check to their door. Starting meaningless conversations by the water cooler, tapping your shoulder to tell you how their new kitten is doing, or whistling randomly around the office. I know that “Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs” is a GREAT film, but PLEASE refrain from literally whistling while you work.

5. Everyday is Monday Guy

This is obviously the opposite of the last person mentioned. Whether it’s Friday, payday or the day before a vacation, this coworker is the most pessimistic, negative person…ever. He or she seems to have a case of ‘head to desk syndrome’ ….every. single. day. During meetings all that person does is nod and/or mumble. During office parties..guess who won’t be attending. This person’s facial expression does not change from walking in the door at 9am to leaving at 5pm. All you can really do is ignore this person. Don’t let a personality like that have a negative effect on how you feel.

This section would not be complete without this scene from “Office Space.” Sorry about the quality…

4. The Guy Who Believes Restroom Is A Place For Conversation

This one applies to men more than women, but this person definitely needs to be talked about. You’re standing at your favorite urinal, about to do your business. All of a sudden, one of your coworkers walks in and nonchalantly says, “Hey! How’s it going?” Well everything was perfect until he came and interrupted, but what are you going to do? Usually a response like “Not bad, yourself?” quietly escapes your mouth. It gets better though. He wants to pee right next to you! YES! You get to chat while uncomfortably staring directly at the wall in front of you, hoping your creepy coworker isn’t sneaking a peak at mini-you. Just pray that he washes his hands before patting your back on the way out.

3. The Tech Guy Whose Technical Talk Is Practically A Different Language

We all have that day at work when the computer crashes, some file is corrupt, you can’t access your email, etc. That’s when the handy dandy tech guy or gal comes to fix your computer. Ten minutes later, and your machine works like new! One problem, the techie has not left your cubicle. You know that no tip is expected for this job, I mean it is their job..right? The problem is, Mr. or Ms. techie is locked away in the IT department all day with no one to talk to. Be prepared to get bombarded with words like..umm..well..let’s just say I won’t mention any of these techie words, because I don’t want to embarrass myself or those of you who actually know their meanings. If you can comprehend this lingo, feel free to enjoy your personal tech talk. For people like me, nodding and smiling will suffice. At least your computer works.

2. The Facebook Addict

There’s nothing wrong with watching a couple of YouTube videos at work. In fact, ‘Tweeting’ on Twitter and watching some YouTube has been proven to improve most employees’ productivity. It’s only the Facebook addicts that I have a problem with. Every time you get up to get a drink of water, you look over this person’s shoulder and they’re busy looking at their latest Facebook pictures or participating in an intense application. Maybe their even poking someone! For those of you who don’t know, poking someone on Facebook means that you are to scared to talk to this person in real life, on the phone or even online. Their only option is to click the ‘poke’ button, and hope that this person responds. Anyway, you’re hard at work (maybe) at your desk and this person is Facebooking the day away. Yes, I do have a Facebook. No, I do not use it obsessively. At my last job, someone was actually fired for overusing their MySpace account. Well at least she can hang out with her ‘friends’ more often! Use Facebook wisely, and please refrain from sending me any requests for the newest application that lets me add cute little smiley faces to my page. Thank you.

1. Hard Ass Boss

Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to have some great bosses. I have actually become good friends with a couple of them. On the other hand, there are an infinite amount of bosses that will yell at you, stare over your shoulder and bother you daily about the work you have finished ‘incorrectly’ or the work you haven’t finished. You really want to tell the head honcho to ease up. “Take it easy for crying out loud, I’m trying my hardest! OK well maybe I’m not trying my hardest, but I’m trying pretty damn hard and would appreciate if you would take it a little easier on me. Please?” Since the boss probably isn’t going to change much, all you can really do is deal with it and turn the other cheek, or quit…and in this economy, quitting might not be the best idea. Don’t worry though, everything ends up working out for the best..hopefully.

I’ll leave you with this scene from ‘Wanted’ that makes you want to act out your anti-boss dreams

Russ Palmer is a writer, guitar player, and an aspiring comedian/actor. He spends most of his weekdays as a social media marketer and consultant for Spill. You can follow him on twitter.

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